What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 05:25
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
What's the most valuable lesson you've learned in life, and how has it impacted your journey so far?
We all went to grammer schools
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Who then, do I blame.?
Why is the word "democracy" not in the preamble of the US Constitution?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He resisted the act ,that day.
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was 9 years of age.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Why are black women the largest unmarried group in the United States of America?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So, i spoilt her more .
She found it foreign!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i do to all so called friends.?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Put me off passion for life!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
This is soul school!.
And i lived it daily.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She married twice! .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was very sick at this time too.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But ive been too sick for many years..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So whats the point in blame.
But, we were locked up after school.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My life is so biszare .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She was in good health!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We were not on the streets..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I think the readers, may guess!
I write beautiful poetry .
I don,t even have a pension.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was scared of men, in general
When she asked me how she looked .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He knew the spot.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was seconnd youngest,
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But it wasn’t much.
I waited trembling.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
What did i know ?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
All the time i was locked up.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
It was going to be , some day.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My family never makes their pension either.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Comes on , in middle age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She wouldn,t have been !
I said to her
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One cannot live in the past .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im still living with it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Would this be the day?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Especially a lifetime of it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She loved him until the end.
I have no regrets .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Ive learnt so much.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I will be 64.